"He was lost, and is found."

I'm gonna start blogging again.

Not now.... now I need to go to sleep. Now I need to be studying for my statistics exam... but it's late and I'm emotional so I'm going to sleep.

But I'm gonna start blogging again. It keeps me sane, grounded, and centered.

I need my voice back.

God & Gwenyth

i was going to tumblr this... but it's not really something to tumblr about. and i'm too tired to write it. so here i am, back to blogspot; which i should really revisit more often. anyway...

so, God is my bro. and sometimes God speaks to me through more conventional means, like social networking. not often, but i guess at this point he knows it's the only way to get my attention. he tries to make more subtle passes, probably, but i'm not observant enough to pick up on that kinda stuff. you literally have to beat me over the head with new information for me to not be completely oblivious to it. what can i say, he knows me so well.

so yeah, tonight he literally threw a bible verse in my face via my twitter newsfeed. some girl tweeted something about it being 4:16 and for some reason "bible verse. john." slammed into the forefront of my thoughts. thinking it was just 4am delirium, and not having any support for the john part i thought back, "...john? really? show me something else" ...instantly i looked back at my twitter feed right at some kid's twitter name.... John[insert last name and random number sequence here #irrelevant]. keep in mind that this whole thought process/transaction took place in all of about 2 seconds in my mind. alright, God. i hear you. John 4:16... "And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."

now, gwenyth paltrow isn't necessarily someone i place amongst the ranks of God. i actually don't even care for her too much. BUT, i immediately paralleled the verse from the gospel of John with none other than a quote from country strong,“Don’t be afraid to fall in love. It’s the only thing that matters in life. The only thing. Do you understand what I’m telling you? … You just fall in love with as many things as possible.”

clearly, God wants to emphasize to me how important love is. i need to start showing more compassion towards others. and myself. and all the things i do. its like gwenyth said, you just fall in love with as many things as possible. so yeah. there's my epiphany of the night.

blogspot > tumblr.

yep.

....for blogging, at least. although I'm sure that's usually the case.

I'll probs start using this again.

a simple request.

someone once asked me what i wanted for christmas. i responded with "a puppy". they laughed. they didn't take my request seriously.

....i didn't get a puppy.

two months later, that same person then asked me what i wanted for my birthday. once again, i responded with "a puppy". my response was met with the same laugh; once again, my request was not taken seriously.

......this person fell out of my life shortly thereafter, and to this day i have yet to get my puppy.

all i want is to have my aspirations taken seriously.

those who do can stay, those who do not can leave.

Once upon a time, I used to have a life.

Then this thing called college happened.

Yes, I know what you're thinking... "aren't people's lives supposed to BEGIN in college?" Believe me, I am just as confused as you are. Probably more so, to be honest. And while we're being honest, we can probably blame this on the fact that High Point University is not a real college. Because it's not. At all.

If I had to make a list of my top 3 regrets in life at this current point in time, it would probably go as follows:

1) listening to Shelby tell me about High Point

2) applying to High Point

3) choosing High Point over Radford merely out of spite towards my father

[sidenote: yes, those obviously are not my top 3 current life regrets but just work with me here]

anyway, let's listen to me complain a little more about my life here at High Point University, which seems to be a common theme of this blog. I should probably start networking it to prospective students to warn them of the dangers of attending this "university" (i.e. having no life, sleeping all day, not having friends, attempting to blog for something to do, etc.)

........but on to the complaining.....

recently, I decided to drop my English 1103 class. My decision to do this was based on the fact that I was failing. Why was I failing, you may ask? Well that is a stupid question. If you are reading this you more than likely know enough about me to know that it was due to the fact that I do not apply myself and when I actually had to do WORK in one of my classes [sidenote: High Point classes are ridiculously easy, another reason why it is not a real university] I gave up all hope and cast the class and all of it's work aside, justifying my actions with reasons such as:

• "at Radford, JMU, or Tech I wouldn't even have to take this class because my AP scores would get me out of it and High Point needs to stop thinking its hot shit and requiring 5's to pass out of english 1103 because, let's get real, no one that goes here has ever gotten a 5 on any AP exam... do they even have those in Jersey?"
• "I can just take this at NOVA over the summer and it'll be 398459374 times easier"
• "it doesn't matter if I do well in college because even if I drop/fail out I can always fall back on my dream of becoming a flight attendant"
• "this class is doing nothing but bringing down my GPA, which will kill all my hopes of transferring and keep me stuck in this hell-hole forever".

...all excuses aside, the class was dropped. Although it did take a good amount of stress out of my life, it replaced the large hole stress left in me with something arguably worse: absolute boredom.

here's what my days look like on MWF:

7:25am- wake up

7:35 am- get out of bed

7:40am- do the bare minimum to get ready for class and end up looking like a dyke

7:50am- leave dorm room and walk to class

8:00am- arrive at class (usually last person) and class [german 1] begins

8-9:10am- kill myself für siebzig minuten

9:10am- class ends

9:20am- arrive back at dorm

9:25-rest of day- SLEEP MY LIFE AWAY

so yeah, even though I put in the futile aspects of my morning routine to make my day look more interesting, all I do is wake up, go to a class I took in middle school for an hour and 10 minutes, and then come back and sleep the rest of the day. I'm sure you are wondering, "why don't you just catch up on homework or studying? or hang out with friends? or join some kind of club or organization?" well my answer to you is to laugh in your face and tell you to gtfo because clearly you a) do not know me or b) have not figured out by now that HIGH POINT IS NOT A REAL SCHOOL.

and thus concludes the sad tale of my life, or lack thereof, as it is currently.

hopefully I will find a way to live happily ever after.

The End.

veracity

I'll always be right and I'll always be left

can't wrap my mind around my own concepts

you'll always be wrong but I'll drag you along

I'm not mysterious, I'm delirious

there's no air down here where I am, so I'll breathe through you

fill up your lungs with something new

just don't mistake my sarcasm for truth

I'll make a joke, you'll laugh- ha ha- but it's really not funny

I'll find a cloud in the sky no matter how sunny

you say you get me and you understand

but I've got a million problems and half aren't my own

I'll leave you outside and not throw you a bone

til its too late- I've made a mistake, I'm all alone

I want you back, can't take this heart attack

but you're gone and I'm wrong, and I won't admit it

so here in my wallowing ways I will stubbornly sit

I'll kick up the dust as things start rust

anything from the past to spark up a clash and break up the silence

memories and nostalgia make a great crutch

but it's a translucent dream and neither of us can get much sleep

you've turned your back on me, walked far down that trail

followed those marks that they all left before you

and surely leaving your own for those yet to come

burning them into my entity

so don't tell me you'll stay, don't rest a foot on my welcome mat

save us both the pain of playing my game

there's much to be lost but nothing to gain

I'll pull you in then push you away

then beg for you back amidst the disarray

I'll be fine, don't you worry about me

that's a lie, but I've been here before; it's a familiar chore

cleaning up the shattered pieces of this revolving door

and this is all that's in store

everything's still spinning, I'm dizzy and down on my knees

so, please, if there's anything left to save, let it be your words.

you've jumped over the hedge, seen that I'm on a ledge

it's too much for you to handle, and I can't really blame you

now here comes the heartbreak and confusion

I told you my jokes weren't really that funny

welcome to rock bottom, I don't hear you laughing now

nothing shines as bright as it did on the surface, does it?

so go ahead and call me cold, indecisive, and heartless

I've heard it all before, and I won't deny it

I saw you leaving as soon as you walked in the door

I'm tired of being right and I'm tired of being left.

but it's hard to keep on going once you run out of directions.

.....I'm stuck.

reverberating footsteps.

sooooo I'm really sick of being so fucking unhappy all the damn time.

I miss being able to trust people. I miss not being so broken and worn down. Not having everyone shit all over me. I miss being at home with the people I love; just having people who are there for me. I miss not being so emotional and tearing up at the slightest thing. I miss being comfortable. I hate being stuck in this cold and volatile hell. I hate how cold and bitter I am.

i don't care how pathetic and whiny this sounds.... no one understands me. no one laughs at my stupid jokes or gets my constant sarcasm. no one understands why it's so hard for me.... why i CAN'T be happy. i don't even know who i am anymore. i'm lost. i avoid mirrors, i can't even look the stranger i see there in the face. sometimes i just sit back and ask myself what the fuck i'm doing with my life. i don't have an answer. i'm so disappointed in myself. i'm supposed to be stronger than this. i'm not supposed to let this stuff get to me. i learned a long time ago i don't need anybody.... so why do i feel like i do now? i miss myself. the girl i used to be. the girl that didn't do anything she didn't want to do. who could laugh off mockery and continue stubbornly on her way without any inhibitions. who never shed a tear, because she wouldn't show that weakness even if no one was there. the girl that didn't need anybody, who was comfortable in her solitude. the girl that WAS a crutch, not the one that needed one. now my heart is frozen over and my walls have gone up, not letting anyone watch as the city crumbles inside. i don't trust anybody... they're all going to hurt me. no one has my best interests in mind, so why give them my time of day? why put myself out there to be ridiculed and misunderstood? and then left. because that's what people do. they build you up then leave you; alone and broken.

and you..... words can't even describe how much i hate you for what you've done to me. why!? TELL ME WHY. you have ruined my life. you are the most FUCKING SELFISH person i know. you are a pompous asshole and you will rot in your own misery deep down in the whole you've dug yourself. i hope all your worthless material shit is enough to keep you company down there, cus that's all you're gonna be left with. don't you see what you're doing to everyone!?!?! how can you do this. how are you even human?? do you have a heart???? you are a monster. i wish i could cut all my ties to you. i wish i could wash your blood out of my veins. you were never there. dont act like you were. just stay out of my life. and theirs too. if you fucking ruin him, if you take him away from me i swear THAT i will never ever forgive you for. you are sick. corrupting the innocent, dragging your own kin down with you. i feel sorry for you. so why dont you put that in your bowl and smoke it.