I miss being able to trust people. I miss not being so broken and worn down. Not having everyone shit all over me. I miss being at home with the people I love; just having people who are there for me. I miss not being so emotional and tearing up at the slightest thing. I miss being comfortable. I hate being stuck in this cold and volatile hell. I hate how cold and bitter I am.
i don't care how pathetic and whiny this sounds.... no one understands me. no one laughs at my stupid jokes or gets my constant sarcasm. no one understands why it's so hard for me.... why i CAN'T be happy. i don't even know who i am anymore. i'm lost. i avoid mirrors, i can't even look the stranger i see there in the face. sometimes i just sit back and ask myself what the fuck i'm doing with my life. i don't have an answer. i'm so disappointed in myself. i'm supposed to be stronger than this. i'm not supposed to let this stuff get to me. i learned a long time ago i don't need anybody.... so why do i feel like i do now? i miss myself. the girl i used to be. the girl that didn't do anything she didn't want to do. who could laugh off mockery and continue stubbornly on her way without any inhibitions. who never shed a tear, because she wouldn't show that weakness even if no one was there. the girl that didn't need anybody, who was comfortable in her solitude. the girl that WAS a crutch, not the one that needed one. now my heart is frozen over and my walls have gone up, not letting anyone watch as the city crumbles inside. i don't trust anybody... they're all going to hurt me. no one has my best interests in mind, so why give them my time of day? why put myself out there to be ridiculed and misunderstood? and then left. because that's what people do. they build you up then leave you; alone and broken.
and you..... words can't even describe how much i hate you for what you've done to me. why!? TELL ME WHY. you have ruined my life. you are the most FUCKING SELFISH person i know. you are a pompous asshole and you will rot in your own misery deep down in the whole you've dug yourself. i hope all your worthless material shit is enough to keep you company down there, cus that's all you're gonna be left with. don't you see what you're doing to everyone!?!?! how can you do this. how are you even human?? do you have a heart???? you are a monster. i wish i could cut all my ties to you. i wish i could wash your blood out of my veins. you were never there. dont act like you were. just stay out of my life. and theirs too. if you fucking ruin him, if you take him away from me i swear THAT i will never ever forgive you for. you are sick. corrupting the innocent, dragging your own kin down with you. i feel sorry for you. so why dont you put that in your bowl and smoke it.
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