Monday, November 15, 2010

a simple request.

someone once asked me what i wanted for christmas. i responded with "a puppy". they laughed. they didn't take my request seriously.

....i didn't get a puppy.

two months later, that same person then asked me what i wanted for my birthday. once again, i responded with "a puppy". my response was met with the same laugh; once again, my request was not taken seriously.


......this person fell out of my life shortly thereafter, and to this day i have yet to get my puppy.


all i want is to have my aspirations taken seriously.
those who do can stay, those who do not can leave.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Once upon a time, I used to have a life.

Then this thing called college happened.

Yes, I know what you're thinking... "aren't people's lives supposed to BEGIN in college?" Believe me, I am just as confused as you are. Probably more so, to be honest. And while we're being honest, we can probably blame this on the fact that High Point University is not a real college. Because it's not. At all.

If I had to make a list of my top 3 regrets in life at this current point in time, it would probably go as follows:

1) listening to Shelby tell me about High Point
2) applying to High Point
3) choosing High Point over Radford merely out of spite towards my father
[sidenote: yes, those obviously are not my top 3 current life regrets but just work with me here]

anyway, let's listen to me complain a little more about my life here at High Point University, which seems to be a common theme of this blog. I should probably start networking it to prospective students to warn them of the dangers of attending this "university" (i.e. having no life, sleeping all day, not having friends, attempting to blog for something to do, etc.)

........but on to the complaining.....

recently, I decided to drop my English 1103 class. My decision to do this was based on the fact that I was failing. Why was I failing, you may ask? Well that is a stupid question. If you are reading this you more than likely know enough about me to know that it was due to the fact that I do not apply myself and when I actually had to do WORK in one of my classes [sidenote: High Point classes are ridiculously easy, another reason why it is not a real university] I gave up all hope and cast the class and all of it's work aside, justifying my actions with reasons such as:
  • "at Radford, JMU, or Tech I wouldn't even have to take this class because my AP scores would get me out of it and High Point needs to stop thinking its hot shit and requiring 5's to pass out of english 1103 because, let's get real, no one that goes here has ever gotten a 5 on any AP exam... do they even have those in Jersey?"
  • "I can just take this at NOVA over the summer and it'll be 398459374 times easier"
  • "it doesn't matter if I do well in college because even if I drop/fail out I can always fall back on my dream of becoming a flight attendant"
  • "this class is doing nothing but bringing down my GPA, which will kill all my hopes of transferring and keep me stuck in this hell-hole forever".

...all excuses aside, the class was dropped. Although it did take a good amount of stress out of my life, it replaced the large hole stress left in me with something arguably worse: absolute boredom.

here's what my days look like on MWF:
7:25am- wake up
7:35 am- get out of bed
7:40am- do the bare minimum to get ready for class and end up looking like a dyke
7:50am- leave dorm room and walk to class
8:00am- arrive at class (usually last person) and class [german 1] begins
8-9:10am- kill myself für siebzig minuten
9:10am- class ends
9:20am- arrive back at dorm
9:25-rest of day- SLEEP MY LIFE AWAY

so yeah, even though I put in the futile aspects of my morning routine to make my day look more interesting, all I do is wake up, go to a class I took in middle school for an hour and 10 minutes, and then come back and sleep the rest of the day. I'm sure you are wondering, "why don't you just catch up on homework or studying? or hang out with friends? or join some kind of club or organization?" well my answer to you is to laugh in your face and tell you to gtfo because clearly you a) do not know me or b) have not figured out by now that HIGH POINT IS NOT A REAL SCHOOL.

and thus concludes the sad tale of my life, or lack thereof, as it is currently.

hopefully I will find a way to live happily ever after.

The End.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

veracity

I'll always be right and I'll always be left
can't wrap my mind around my own concepts
you'll always be wrong but I'll drag you along
I'm not mysterious, I'm delirious
there's no air down here where I am, so I'll breathe through you
fill up your lungs with something new
just don't mistake my sarcasm for truth
I'll make a joke, you'll laugh- ha ha- but it's really not funny
I'll find a cloud in the sky no matter how sunny
you say you get me and you understand
but I've got a million problems and half aren't my own
I'll leave you outside and not throw you a bone
til its too late- I've made a mistake, I'm all alone
I want you back, can't take this heart attack
but you're gone and I'm wrong, and I won't admit it
so here in my wallowing ways I will stubbornly sit
I'll kick up the dust as things start rust
anything from the past to spark up a clash and break up the silence
memories and nostalgia make a great crutch
but it's a translucent dream and neither of us can get much sleep
you've turned your back on me, walked far down that trail
followed those marks that they all left before you
and surely leaving your own for those yet to come
burning them into my entity
so don't tell me you'll stay, don't rest a foot on my welcome mat
save us both the pain of playing my game
there's much to be lost but nothing to gain
I'll pull you in then push you away
then beg for you back amidst the disarray
I'll be fine, don't you worry about me
that's a lie, but I've been here before; it's a familiar chore
cleaning up the shattered pieces of this revolving door
and this is all that's in store
everything's still spinning, I'm dizzy and down on my knees
so, please, if there's anything left to save, let it be your words.
you've jumped over the hedge, seen that I'm on a ledge
it's too much for you to handle, and I can't really blame you
now here comes the heartbreak and confusion
I told you my jokes weren't really that funny
welcome to rock bottom, I don't hear you laughing now
nothing shines as bright as it did on the surface, does it?
so go ahead and call me cold, indecisive, and heartless
I've heard it all before, and I won't deny it
I saw you leaving as soon as you walked in the door
I'm tired of being right and I'm tired of being left.
but it's hard to keep on going once you run out of directions.

.....I'm stuck.

Friday, October 8, 2010

reverberating footsteps.

sooooo I'm really sick of being so fucking unhappy all the damn time.

I miss being able to trust people. I miss not being so broken and worn down. Not having everyone shit all over me. I miss being at home with the people I love; just having people who are there for me. I miss not being so emotional and tearing up at the slightest thing. I miss being comfortable. I hate being stuck in this cold and volatile hell. I hate how cold and bitter I am.

i don't care how pathetic and whiny this sounds.... no one understands me. no one laughs at my stupid jokes or gets my constant sarcasm. no one understands why it's so hard for me.... why i CAN'T be happy. i don't even know who i am anymore. i'm lost. i avoid mirrors, i can't even look the stranger i see there in the face. sometimes i just sit back and ask myself what the fuck i'm doing with my life. i don't have an answer. i'm so disappointed in myself. i'm supposed to be stronger than this. i'm not supposed to let this stuff get to me. i learned a long time ago i don't need anybody.... so why do i feel like i do now? i miss myself. the girl i used to be. the girl that didn't do anything she didn't want to do. who could laugh off mockery and continue stubbornly on her way without any inhibitions. who never shed a tear, because she wouldn't show that weakness even if no one was there. the girl that didn't need anybody, who was comfortable in her solitude. the girl that WAS a crutch, not the one that needed one. now my heart is frozen over and my walls have gone up, not letting anyone watch as the city crumbles inside. i don't trust anybody... they're all going to hurt me. no one has my best interests in mind, so why give them my time of day? why put myself out there to be ridiculed and misunderstood? and then left. because that's what people do. they build you up then leave you; alone and broken.

and you..... words can't even describe how much i hate you for what you've done to me. why!? TELL ME WHY. you have ruined my life. you are the most FUCKING SELFISH person i know. you are a pompous asshole and you will rot in your own misery deep down in the whole you've dug yourself. i hope all your worthless material shit is enough to keep you company down there, cus that's all you're gonna be left with. don't you see what you're doing to everyone!?!?! how can you do this. how are you even human?? do you have a heart???? you are a monster. i wish i could cut all my ties to you. i wish i could wash your blood out of my veins. you were never there. dont act like you were. just stay out of my life. and theirs too. if you fucking ruin him, if you take him away from me i swear THAT i will never ever forgive you for. you are sick. corrupting the innocent, dragging your own kin down with you. i feel sorry for you. so why dont you put that in your bowl and smoke it.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Things I Hate.

....cus i'm in a cynical mood

  • the unknown/not knowing things
  • being hungry
  • cleaning
  • stupid people
  • people who lack a sense of humor
  • most people in general
  • rudeness
  • bigotry
  • ignorance
  • putting forth effort
  • people who try too hard/overachievers
  • birds
  • needles
  • not having a car
  • running/working out/physical activity
  • people who think they're fat when they're really not
  • people who think they're skinny when they're really not
  • the cold
  • seeing people upset/not knowing how to comfort them
  • when guys get angry
  • when people don't like me
  • getting in fights/arguments/disagreements
  • when people try to tell you you're wrong when you KNOW you're right
  • working in groups in class and no one wants to do things your way even though you know its the best
  • watching people you love make bad decisions and not being able to stop them

sick.

dear world,

i'm just gonna keep doin me and yall can keep doin you. i'm so sick of this. i'm tired of dealing with everything, putting up with everyone's shit, doing EVERYTHING and not getting anything in return. i'm tired of being let down and disappointed. i'm tired of expecting things out of people who will never change. i thought leaving home would leave my problems all behind, but apparently not. STOP BRINGING ME DOWN. how about everybody just gets their shit together and THEN gets at me. call me melodramatic, whatever. i wish it was easier to just stop caring about everything.....

i'm done.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

I WANT A PUPPY.

like, honestly. words cannot describe how badly i want one of those lil guys. this girl i know randomly posted an album of her new puppy and i creeped until my heart melted. I. LOVE. PUPPIES. they are on my list of top 5 favorite things in the world. I WANT ONE.

.......so yeah. that was pretty much the main purpose of this blog post.

p.s. this is the BEST WEBSITE EVER for fulfilling your puppy viewing needs.

Monday, September 13, 2010

late night confessions of an insomniatic fatass

so, i can't sleep.

so, i'm blogging again.

really i'm just hungry. and mildly homesick. but mostly hungry. for REAL FOOD.
in all honestly, the thing i've missed most since being at college is real food. these are my top 3:

1.Pasta


like honestly, i'm pretty sure high point university is anti-itallian or something. there is literally NO WHERE on campus to get a pasta dish. i LOVE pasta. homemade spaghetti is legit like my favorite food. and I CAN'T GET IT HERE. THIS IS NOT OKAY. i was seriously beyond elated when i stayed with KD at uncg this weekend and she had leftover spaghetti & vodka sauce. needless to say, i ate all of it.

2. Chipotle

when i'm at home, i usually go to chipotle for my burrito fix weekly. i usually do this alone, because no one ever wants to go with me. because when i need my chipotle, i NEED my
chipotle. so not having a car here is a HUGE problem. BECAUSE I CAN'T GET MY CHIPOTLE.

3. Asian Food
I LOVE asian food. Namely chinese, japanese, and thai, but if it's recipe originated in asia, i'll eat it (except for like.... dog). my annie chuns bowls do a pretty good job of holding me over, but they just aren't the same as real chinese takeout. its no secret that i'm addicted to pei wei, so of course its a huge problem that the nearest pei wei to high point university is 70 MILES AWAY. NOT OKAY. but honestly, i'll take any asian food i can get. sushi too. honey seared chicken. dumplings. rice. pad thai. lo mein........


....now i REALLY won't be able to sleep......

so.....you've become a pirate?

its so weird how things change. like how different your life can be in just a year.

i don't like change.

...why is it so hard sometimes to hop off the past's dick and make new memories???

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

questions. comments. complaints.

so, I like to complain. and what better place to do it than in my unknown blog that no one reads/even knows exists?

Why does this room always smell so bad???
like.... seriously. ever since day one North 214 has had a weird smell to it. first it was the foam thing under my mattress. once i discovered the source of that smell, i got rid of it. but different, worse smells took its place. things not even brazilian carnival can mask. like, for instance, our trash can. the roommate and i probably should not keep things in there for long periods of time (i.e. ravioli, clam chowder, taquitos, etc.) now i'm not gonna point any fingers... but all i'm saying is that IIIIIIII usually finish all my food, therefore have no nasty leftovers sitting around rotting in our trashcan. then, of course, there was the period of time our room smelled like vom for a view days after my co-inhabitant and myself had a rough night.
so today when i came home from class and, once again, our room smelled like something died in it, i began my cleaning spree. took out the trash, stripped my bed, began laundry... which brings me to my next complaint.

I. HATE. LAUNDRY.
anyone who has ever met me before in their life probably knows about my extreme dislike for doing laundry. for as long as i can remember, doing laundry has been my least favorite chore. i will go weeks, even months (gross, i know) without washing my clothes just to avoid this troublesome task. my friends are all fully aware of my notorious constant Floordrobe. The Floordrobe is just what it sounds like, my entire wardrobe on the floor. At home, I never hung, put away, or folded a single item of clothing. I kept everything strewn across the floor. From an outsider's perspective, it just looked like a huge mess. But I knew where every item of clothing was inside that pile. Since being in college, I have somehow managed to do away with the floordrobe. This is mainly due to the fact that I am living amongst another person in tight quarters. But still, my hate for laundry has not left me. So today, I dragged a load of laundry into the laundry room down the hall. 2/3 of the washing machines are out of order. Awesome. Six hours later, I am finally done with my laundry. SIX. HOURS. All just have clothes that smell nice.

there are a TON more things I could complain on and on about, but I'm just no longer in the mood (I loose interest easily). Plus, I am finishing this note 6 hours after I began it (laundry, class... ugh) soooo I'm just not in the zone anymore.

ssssssorryboutit.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Post-Grad Return

Oh yeah......... I have a blog.

So, naturally, I completely forgot about this blog and left it cold, alone, and abandoned the day after I made it. Typical.

So..... I'm at college. wtf? it still doesn't feel real. here's the first 2.5 weeks of my college experience in a nutshell:

I don't have friends. high point is the tip of a dreadfully boring needle under a microscope with campus walls that close in on you and cliques of people that close you off and mediocre food. oh wait.... its just like high school!!! or, more specifically, my sophomore year at battlefield.

but despite all this, i'm trying to stay open-minded about this whole thing. take my sophomore year at battlefield, for example. yes, it may have been the worst year of my life, but i overcame it and ultimately became a stronger, more self-sufficient person and met the best friends i've ever had in my life. but that took a long time. and this is college. most of the people here came in in the same boat as me, not knowing anyone. but somehow THEY'VE managed to find friends. i honestly think that i'm socially retarded. like seriously, i am unnaturally bad at making friends. i guess (and i'm not trying to sound cocky here; quite the opposite, actually) i just expect everyone to flock towards me and kneel before me and beg for my friendship. hahaha... ok, maybe nothing that extreme. but this is typical of my lazy behavior. i don't know how to go out there and work towards finding friends because i don't know how to go out there and work towards doing ANYTHING. with that said, you'd think it'd be easy for me to fix this problem and go get myself some friends. not so much. i don't know HOW to change this about myself. its something engrained into me, part of my entity. its just the way i've always been. so i just keep reminding myself of sophomore year.... how in the end, everything worked out. but i'm worried i won't be as lucky this time. what if i'm stuck here all four years miserably wasting away my parent's money on this overpriced education with a bunch of fake people who will never be my friends, just for the sake of being optimistic? some days, transferring to tech seems like SUCH a good idea. but i really don't want to give up on high point, i WANT to make it work here. and i'm not MISERABLE......okay.....95% of the time i'm not miserable.

i guess only time will tell.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

eighteen hours.

so this is it. its Friday, June 11, 2010. The day I graduate high school.
I feel like I am just awaiting some huge wave of nostalgia and emotion to overcome me, and its just not happening. The only way I can describe it is... surreal.
This is the moment we've all been waiting for. The Last Shebang. Everything I've done the past 13 years all amounts to the moment that awaits me 18 hours from now. I keep trying to wrap my head around this concept, and its just not working. I feel just as distant and naive as that little 5 year old girl walking into her first day of kindergarten. But in reality, it is now only 18 more hours I have to wait as opposed to 18 years.
What does graduating high school really mean, anyway?

Monday, May 24, 2010

FOBJ

so, i caved.
i made a blog.
i'm blogging.
i'm one of THOSE people.

true life: i have always had a secret desire to blog. i love writing, and i have a lot to say. so why not?

...i'll tell you why not.

FOBJ. [fear of being judged]

i want to blog, but i don't necessarily want people to read it. then the thought struck me- they don't have to. i never have to give this link to anybody. and if someone does actually find enjoyment in reading my thoughts, then thats cool, i suppose. i mean, i've personally always enjoyed reading mobo's blog. (FACT: i have read her every blog entry. not in a creepy way, i just appreciate her thoughts and her ability to compile them into a blog that people such as myself take joy in reading.)

anyway.... who knows where i'll go with this.
but everyone needs to get over their FOBJ eventually, right?